Dear Capt’,

The new year has begun with Dry January and a much needed healthy food routine. You’d hate it!! Well, the dry part! But you’d be surprised….the first few days were epic. The much needed break from over indulgence was exactly what my body was demanding…I thought my mind would join in to “fix” things: the frustration, the anger, the toxic self talk, the depression. The “fix” did last but only for a few days. Those Among showed me that we don’t need to be “fixed” but why won’t I allow myself to be among those we???

Deep in the denial fix, I woke on New Years Day with an anthem dear to your heart….to “grab this year by the ballz.” As I wildly shoved hopelessly lucky black eyed peas in my mouth, I meal prepped for the week. Any signs of a hangover became overshadowed by my determination. After 5 years of shit, I was ready…I am ready for a transformation!! A reclaim, a start over, a do over, a take back, or a come back….or a fix?….No. Not a fix, a take back. 

Only one BIG thing stands in my way. The big D!!! My depression. Now, don’t get me wrong, depression TOTALLY  sucks and it’s no joke, as you know. I’m one of the lucky ones. I do not have chronic depression, I am NOT suicidal, I do not have any addictions, I just gots some shit. The root of my depression is within some trauma I experienced right before the pandemic then the trauma of the pandemic along with becoming all emotionally fucked up due to getting covid last April and my period going berserk after the vaccine and covid! Currently, I am able to manage this depression with the help of my doctor (and the b12 tablets she prescribed), my community, my friends, my family, and thanks to you.

I did get a bit of break back in September. Ya know, when I went to Italy and Croatia with that good friend of mine! You remember her…right? During this trip I did feel a little part of me come back to life. The part of me that loves to experience new places, cultures, and who just loves to explore!! I did long for a wild adventure BUT sometimes it’s nice to travel as others do: stay in an airbnb instead of a tent, go out to dinner instead of making campfire meals, and drive across a country instead of biking it.

This lit a fire I haven’t felt in a really long time! But as I begin to create a new life for myself I am faced with the trauma of my past, right were it left off and the fire begins to dim… I realize that you can’t hide from that shit, no matter how much you push it down, ignore it, fight it, it ain’t going anywhere til you…what? Face it? Get over it? What do you do with it??? Carry it atop all the other baggage?? Throw it away? Plant it in hopes it grows? Into WHAT? Of is it like that old rhyme from childhood where you can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, so ya gotta go through it?? Or is it all just hopeless? 

“Under no circumstances should you lose hope. Hopelessness is a real cause of failure. Remember, you can overcome any problem. Be calm, even when the external environment is confused or complicated; it will have little effect if your mind is at peace. On the other hand, if your mind gives way to anger, then even when the world is peaceful and comfortable, peace of mind will elude you.” -How to Practice: The Way to a Meaningful Life by The Dalai Lama.

So how does one find peace of mind once again (or for the first time)? The moments when I have been lost and found peace of mind has been in the wild. It’s where and when I am the most happy. Does this mean it’s time for another wild adventure? Pushing myself to find myself? A shedding of the skin…which can be painful, yet, sometimes necessary. Is this the necessary???

Thanks for always listening Capt’….much luv… and til next time,

Casey

(This blog post is my perspective, my opinion, and my point of view for my own mental health which is based within white privilege, that gives me easier access to: affordable health care, international travel, and outdoor adventures. I am NOT a doctor. If you need help with depression or other mental health needs please reach out to a trusted health care professional or someone (family, friend, teacher) who is able to provide trusted help. You are NOT alone.)